With Brave Wings She Flies

 Dear friends & family,

This is a hard letter to write. Hard because it is not good news. Hard because I want to be brave, but I am a little scared. I am a little sad and a little angry. 

I have been having numbness above my left ear. I feel it when I hold still, often several times a day. My doctor ordered an MRI to take a look, just to be safe. I really thought it was just my scalp reacting to my chemo. It felt weird  and similar when I lost my hair earlier this year. It was probably just this happening again. We were able to do the MRI on Tuesday. Dennis had a snow day so he was able to help me brave the yucky roads. I was grateful he was there. I am a bit claustrophobic and was not prepared for the long test. (I am used to short CT scans) I decided to pray while I was in the machine. I was filled with peace. 

I received a call from my doctor on Thursday. (It is never good to receive a call from the doctor when you have an appointment the following Monday.) They found a small spot of what they believe to be Colon Cancer in my brain. It is small, .6 mm (the size of a pin head). It is in the location that I am having the numbness. Right behind my left ear. The doctor said it is in the gross motor part of the brain. He said it does not explain the numbness, as it would make sense to be having muscle weakness instead. I see it as a tender mercy. I am grateful to find it early and I  am grateful to not be experiencing anything debilitating. 

Side note: I have actually felt really good this week and have been doing a really fun workout! (The 21 day fix.) It has been challenging me but I have enjoyed feeling like I am increasing my strength. I can't believe what a bit of exercise does for my emotional state. Dennis likes to make fun of me because I have been sore and complaining about it a bit. 

I have spent the week letting my immediate family know about the news. I wanted them to hear about it from me. It was hard to relive my fears and pain every time I shared the news, but I did not want them to hear about it in an email. I have cried a lot this week. I have been trying to give myself space to grieve. It is a loss. It is not fun news. Its ok to feel angry, tired, and sad. I waited to tell Mary until she returned from State Basketball and she got through her talk today. I wanted her to have a fun weekend. 

What now? I will meet with the radiation oncologists. We will craft a plan to radiate the spot. No surgery- that is a relief. Last time I did radiation it was 28 days straight. (M-F) We will not hold my chemo. It will be a difficult few months as I struggle through both. I was pretty sick with the radiation before, but it was aimed at my stomach. Hopefully this will be better. 

I want to clarify that I am not angry with God. He is aware of me. I know it. 

Here are just a few of the love notes I received this week:

1)  I had several friends reach out to me and tell me I was on their mind. Natalie was available to chat and helped me process the news. She helped me to remember to be compassionate with myself. 

2) I was able to work out with a group of friends on Friday. I needed their light, love and hugs. The song, "The climb," by Mylie Cyrus came on during the workout. Someone, unaware of my newest struggle, said, "This is your song, Emilie!" I needed the reminder that this life is not about the destination. It is always going to be a struggle, an uphill battle. It is the climb that helps me turn to my source of strength; Jesus Christ. 

3) I went to a funeral Saturday for one of my favorite people. President Arnold Dance. I loved him. He was so dear to me. His tribute was fitting as it turned me to Jesus. That is what he always did for me. He suffered so much with his aging body, but I never heard him complain. He was kind and compassionate and full of love for everyone. I have a new angel watching over me. I will learn from his example and try to be like him.

4) I went to the temple this Saturday. I joined last minute with our young women's group. I desperately needed the peace I felt there. A strange little twist of events let me know how dear I am to my Savior. He is aware that this is hard for me. Someone lost a necklace in the parking lot. They brought it to me to ask if it belonged to my group. It was a butterfly, with a small inscription on it. I had one of my young women read it to me. (old eyes) It said, "With brave wings she flies." I felt the spirit say, "You are brave. You are strong. You are beautiful. You can do this." It was all I could do to not melt into a puddle of tears. 

Here are the beautiful flowers Dennis got me for Valentines Day. We also got to go to lunch and have a date after my MRI! Thank you, winter storm! 

Here is the Valentines Box that Hannah and I stayed up until 11:30 PM making the night before Valentines Day. I was kind of sad they cancelled school. I was grateful they made up the party on Thursday. 

Here are a few pictures from Hannah's Birthday party. I forgot to take a pic of the cake before we cut it open! 

Here is the cute stuffed cat that Camille sent to Hannah. She is a very thoughtful sister! Hannah also got a hammock swing for her room that she is enjoying. 

Sending my love and prayers for all. Here is my favorite scriptures this week!

"I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"And the Peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Love,

Emilie